A strangled question manages to come out from my dry throat and rests on my suddenly parched lips. I was perhaps great at being brave, nay let me be honest, pretending in being brave — sounds better.
How does it feel when suddenly the person with whom you shared one of your childhood’s fondest memories is torn away from your life as if her existence was never there in the first place? How does it feel when a few days before due to an argument you weighed the options yourself to only learn the gravity by experiencing the situation face front.
Of course The Lord has been graceful, for you see — I didn't get to see the form of hers, which seemed too still, still in the sort of what people pronounced infamously as dead.
A bitter memory plays in my mind, for the Lords seem to have taken upon the task to create a semi deja vu experience by recreating little moments on when I had lost the person who meant for me, someone above the God himself. The same country, same state, same city, accidental death, the same panicked voice from the other end, the same month of demise, the same hospital to be concluded dead.
For they were born under the same sign too — strange can matters of life be. The horrific sequence plays before me and I find myself alone as I lose a sister forever.
What was she? It might be odd that being cousins we weren't bosom friends but then I never really told how much she meant to me right? She was the person who made me look like the guru of makeover, I remember teaching her how to groom herself, how to put a fader colour of eyeshadow beneath the brow to create a prominent effect.
I was a decade younger than her but she always made me feel like the one who knew more, she always made me feel like a mini diva. Did she know she herself was one? If only she knew, if only things didn't go so wrong, so horribly wrong. It was more than just grooming times for her and me.
It was the only time when age didn’t play a barrier in fostering one of the sweetest relationships one woman could ever have with the other — sisterhood. I still remember the childlike glint in her kohl rimmed eyes as I applied French Manicure on her nail tips.
In due course of time she had perfected that art but whenever I would stay with her — she would always ask me to do it for her. I remember how I felt as the elder one as I cleansed her make up, teased her about her boyfriend, shared little moments of joy and probed into her when she felt off.
I still remember how she and I were standing in the kitchen to wait for the buffer as the trailer of Shahrukh Khan’s Jab Tak Hai Jaan played on and we giggled and enjoyed being silly as he rode the bike up the hills.
I still remember her feeding me and clutching my hands on the morning of her marriage. She of course teased me by saying that I was next in line to be hitched and she was preparing me from before.
I still remember the pale burnt orange red hue of the henna, for I was the one who dabbed oil and lemon juice to get a stronger shade of the colour.
I remember how I painted little white dots on her forehead near her eyebrow as she trusted me the most, just minutes before going to the pandal for her wedding. I remember that for her I was perhaps someone more than a sister, and for me she was always more than a sister.
She never allowed anyone to get near her face or talk about the dark shades of makeup she applied, but from one advice from me — I would find her heeding to it and changing the shades to rouge.
Why then, a woman so lovely and beautiful had to find her end like this?
Why Lord had the bird been flown to direction of storm?
Why was she - the unluckiest who found her everything to lose her everything?
Why Lord did she end up failing in spite of having the best of life?
Why Lord was her story never complete?
Why wasn't she ever given a second chance?
And my dear sister, I ask you… why… why did you feel you were not worth the wonderful woman you could have become? Why did you find the end in a manner so painful that it leaves me numb for except one place which is my heart?
Why?
Why dear sister did you not think of why we were angry, it’s because we loved you! We care and scream and shout for whom we care, for who mean something to us. Not for any Tom, Dick and Harry.
Why dear sister did you never realise that the only thing we ever wanted from you was just, your betterment?
The next set of questions is of course for the beautiful society…
Why was it so easy for you to malign anyone’s character and not find a way of reform when it was required?
Why was it the fear of you that made even the most loving parents take the worst step?
Why were you so important that for an acceptance from you my sister revamped completely not knowing you were a rotten apple yourself?
Why were your rules and cultures so salient in our lives that we often end up paying for the most precious in delay of preventing what could have been?
I find myself asking questions to the man she loved the most.
Why were you not man enough to take the decision you knew it was best for her?
Why did you, for once not bother about the society and do what would have saved her?
Why were you scared and delayed moments so much that now when you have time you don’t have her next to you?
Why did you deal her with so much of your heart that it feared you to deal her a little with your brain, something that could have saved her?
Why did you not put your senses in and take the first decision when you saw her tumbling down?
And now, why do you blame yourself when you know you actually, have no fault in the matter?
I sigh and take in a deep breath, asking a few questions from the brother with whom she fought the most.
Why did you ever hate your sister so much?
Why did you love her so much to hate her so much?
Why could you never tell her that you love her so much hence hated her so much when you saw she was spiralling out of control and you felt helpless in saving her?
Why did you never say your shouts and screams against her was only your love that spoke?
Why did you never say that you slapped her for you never wanted her to go through hell?
Why were you, yourself not next to her, protecting her in her tender years which could have altered the situation all together?
Why did you not try to understand the early changes in your sister when she dolled up to have the attention of her society?
Why did you not be her helping hand and guideline at the wee years of her life?
And thus, why do you know blame yourself when you clearly know that this time perhaps it’s not the time to cry and not forgive her… but to just embrace the warmth of her soothing memories?
Why do you blame yourself for being the irresponsible brother when you fail to realise that you understood your responsibilities too late?
A lone tear escapes my eye as I think of her parents and a lot of questions fill in my mind.
Why did you make her feel superior to her brother in a way of putting him down?
Why did you pamper her so much when you didn’t realise that perhaps it was too much you had given?
Why did you never realise the difference amidst showering love and spoiling?
Why did you allow her such a freedom which had caged her in the world of the darker society?
Why did you not stop her and bring her back to you when she begun to lose herself in the world beyond herself?
Why did you curse her and not tell her that it was the immense love which broke you every time you saw her getting drifted away?
Why did you fall weak when she needed you the strongest?
Why did you not ever take the step towards treating her, even if it meant flak from public?
Why did you let your name in the society mean more that the love you harboured for your child?
And now why do you blame yourselves when you know that this time you were too frail and weak to have stopped the incoming disaster? This time you truly aren’t to be blamed.
Now I have questions to those who misled her.
Why were you standing with hawk like eyes, waiting for your pray?
Why, why did you take advantage of a girl wanting to fly?
Why did you mislead her to the winds of the darker world when all that innocent bird wanted was a taste of the exuberant world?
Why did you want to destroy someone who had nothing to do of harm to you?
Why did the lust of the green notes mean more than the life of a person?
Why did you not realise that the green notes won’t be the one being next to you when you need a human?
Why did you lure her time and again till she was set on a self destruction mode?
Why did you not realise, that this will be your end?
Why do you NOT BLAME yourself when you know that the woman has a photo on her frame only due to you?
Why?
Why are you so shameless? Why do you feel no guilt? Why do you not quiver and scream in pain of the whiplash from the conscience you must be having?
WHY DON'T YOU DIE OF GUILT, REMORSE & BLAME!?
I break into tears once again and question myself too,
Why had I let my anger for her rule over my love for her?
Why hadn't I got to know her better?
Why did we have a gap of ten years?
Why couldn't I be the early friend who would have talked her out of what would destroy her?
Why… why now do I recollect all the fondest memories when I know that you won't be there next to me?
Why did I not laugh along with you and plan my future wedding alongside yours, for I would have sealed your life till a few years more at the least?
Why didn’t anyone listen to me?
~OR~
My throat feels dry once again and no amount of water seems to relieve it from the constricted pain.
I touch the screen of my laptop with the pads of my finger and sigh, tears seem to have a life of their own as they pour down without a wordless sob erupting from my loyal mouth.
I gulped once more and mourned in silence for the sister whose features were once in a splitting reflection of mine.
I take in a deep breath when I find a soft cooling sensation within me, she’s here and I can feel her mourn in anguish, but then… finally at peace.
It might have not been in the best manner but for once she got the true liberation — one that she had sought for and had been misled.
For once the Lords did her a favour and give her the attainment of what we all crave for —
Peace.
~THE END~
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